Vigilant Bathroom Entrance Instructions
For Lori--March 9, 2002

Dear Lori,
     This morning I tested these instructions.  They work well for me.  I would suggest you read them before you enter the bathroom, as the floor is still sticky.  I've attempted to make them interesting and informative. And, I've applied the Rules Of  Vigilance to them.  Good luck!

STEP #1.)  Vigilantly scan the bathroom.  Vigilantly means without Fear, Intimidation or Complacency.

STEP #2.)Notice the glistening shine of the tile, and its cleanliness.

STEP #3.)  Realize that the beauty of the floor comes above any incontinence regarding your desire to relieve yourself.  (Since you are the one who wanted a spotless, shiny bathroom!)

STEP #4.) Further, realize that Complacency—the lack of Vigilance—can cause footprints to be embossed in the beauty of the gloss (at least until it is finally dry).   Therefore, brace yourself for the diligence of entering the bathroom in a non-conventional manner.    Do not let the Terror of pressure on your bladder overwhelm the Vigilance necessary to protect the beauty of the floor.   Fear of wetting your pants, or the Intimidation of climbing into the tub to work your way to the toilet cannot override the end-goal of a beautiful floor.   Vigilance is not given, it is earned.  O.K.?  Let’s move on to step 5.

STEP #5.)  Having scanned the bathroom, place your left hand on the door jamb for support and swing your left or right leg into the bathtub. 
      (Note:  Earlier, I found it easier to lift my left leg up and over the edge of the tub.   I had tried my right leg, but when I entered the tub, I found my back was to the toilet causing me to turn around in the tub -  akin to getting on a horse the wrong way).  Unnecessary movement can cause imbalance and possible incontinence—so, if at all possible, try and enter the tub facing the toilet so you can  be positioned properly.) 
STEP #6.)Once the left or right leg is in the tub, shift your left hand over to the wall next to the tub and place the flat of it against it.

STEP #7.)Lean slightly to the left with your weight and slowly lift up your right leg, testing to make sure your balance is good.  Remember, the tub is made of porcelain, and could be slippery.   It is dry, so you should not have any trouble.   But be cautious.   Remember Rule #1 of the Laws Of Vigilance—“Expect The Unexpected!”  

STEP #8.)Now that you are confident your weight is leaning left, and your balance is solid, carefully lift your leg while leaning to the left and ease it up and over the rim of the bathtub.

STEP #9.)Place your right foot ahead of your left, in the center of the tub.  This will give you maximum balance as the flattest part of the tub is in the center.
       (Caution—do not reach for or grab at the shower curtain or shower curtain rod for support.  It is extremely fragile.   Keep leaning left at all times.  If you feel you are slipping for any reason, try and sit down in the bathtub rather than fall.  The tub is a contained space, a porcelain life raft.  Should you feel uncomfortable standing, you can flex your knees and squat, grabbing hold of the sides of the tub and duck walk slowly toward the toilet.   Should you experience any vertigo, or sense of claustrophobia, take deep, slow breaths and repeat these words:  “Vigilance requires Courage….Vigilance requires Courage.”    Soon the Fear and Intimidation will pass.   If it does not, yell out:  “Senintels of Vigilance, Help Me!” )

STEP #1O.) Balanced, and still leaning to the left, hand on the wall, move toward the toilet.

STEP #11.)When you reach the end of the tub (where the faucets are), congratulate yourself.  You are halfway to your goal.

STEP #12.)If you have not already, it is vital that you now remove any undergarments that might hinder your ability to go to the bathroom.   Use the side of the tub for support, flex your knees, and carefully remove your underwear (if necessary.)   Do not worry about the bathroom window.  In earlier exercises, I closed it so that no one can see you going to the toilet via the bathtub path.   Avoid any Fear, Intimidation or Complacency.   If you need additional confidence, glance up at the window.   Make sure it is closed for your own satisfaction.   If for some reason, which I cannot imagine, it is not closed, apply the Second Rule of Vigilance—“Ready for Anything, Counting on Nothing.”   This will give you additional Courage and Conviction to lean over, bracing yourself with one hand on the back of the toilet, and close the window.

STEP #13.) At the end of the tub, carefully look at the toilet and sink.   You will notice on the shiny floor in front of the toilet is a piece of silk.   This is where you will place your feet, as silk does not stick to the floor as readily as cotton.    The silk is your Landing Zone (LZ) for your feet.   Since we do not want to mar the finish until it hardens, focus on the silk LZ.  This is your goal.

STEP #14.) Reach forward for the ledge of the window next to the toilet with your left hand.  Place your palm firmly on it.   Slowly lift your left leg out of the bathtub and place it on the silk LZ, leaving room for your right foot to follow.  (Note:  if the toilet seat was down, as it should have been, lift it up prior to executing this step.)

STEP #15.)Confidently stand, trying not to place too much weight on either foot.   The pressure of your weight should be evenly balanced to avoid any foot impressions on the surface.  You may use the edge of the sink for balance, but do not put too much weight on it.

STEP #16.) Seat yourself on the toilet and release your bladder.

STEP #17.)Completing your morning constitutional, you can freely wash your hands and face and brush your teeth, and apply any makeup you desire.  Please do not move your feet while doing so.   Should you be concerned about leaving any impressions on the floor, you may wish to kneel on the toilet seat. This is your choice.

STEP #18.)Upon completing your duty and refreshing yourself, reverse these steps.  Swing your right leg into the tub, using your left hand against the wall for balance.  Return cautiously to the bathroom entrance and exit.

SUMMARY

      The above procedure is a test of Vigilance.   During it, you will face Fear, Intimidation and Complacency.   Fortunately, you will have the tools of Courage, Conviction and the desire to take Action that will overwhelm any Terror you might feel during the trek to the toilet.
     Each step along the way requires that you employ the Vigilance Laws:  1.) Expect the Unexpected, 2.) Ready For Anything, Counting On Nothing, and, 3.) First Thought, Second Thought.
     During the explanation of how to enter the bathroom, I did not discuss the 3^rd Law of Vigilance—First Thought, Second Thought.  
     As you know, you aren’t responsible for your First Thought, but you are your Second Thought.  Simply put, Fear, Intimidation or Complacency can rattle through our minds and take their course without us controlling them.   If, during any of the negotiations toward the toilet, or upon your return to exit the toilet, you become awash with any of Terrorism’s three ingredients—Fear, Intimidation or Complacency—take a deep breath and say, “Stop Thought!”  Fight the urge to panic.   Be responsible for your Second Thought, which is your Vigilant Thought.   It will help you construct the Courage and Confidence to take the Action necessary.
     Our goal for the bathroom is to have the floors shine and glisten.   If we keep the goal clear in our mind, the shiny brightness of its worth will cast sunlight on the Terrorism of waltzing through a bathtub to go to the bathroom.   The effort and risk taken on such a journey will be handsomely rewarded later, when the floor completely dries, and the tiles glisten and gleam.  Months from now, when the floor is still radiating its beauty, without mars from footprints, you will look back to this day and smile.  You will be glad you were a Sentinel of Vigilance on March 9, 2002.   And the gleaming, pristine, glazed bathroom tile will be your proof.

Semper Vigilantes—Your Loving Husband, Cliff!