GROUND ZER0, New York, N.Y.--Feb 19, 2004 -- Every now and then I need Quiet Moments of Vigilance.   I need to breathe in Vigilance and exhale Terrorism.
         I try and sit and breathe deeply, inhaling as much air as possible, holding it as long as I can, then exhaling it just as slowly as my lungs will allow.   Even when I reach the last exhale, I tighten my stomach to squeeze the last ounces of breath from my lungs, kind of like wringing the last drop of water out of a wet towel.

        It's a new form of relaxation.    I just started it, so I have no idea about its ability to change my life or fortunes.   I only know that the length of a breath has been extended, and I am more aware of being "here and now" when I concentrate on maximum inhalation, maximum holding of the breath, maximum exhalation.  
          Like today.   I need to center myself.
          I'm going to revisit the past this morning.   Once a week I have been going to the VA Hospital here in New York City to examine the trauma I experienced at Ground Zero on September 11, 2001.
         The events that day were horrible.  It was a day of war.    The faces of the dead and dying of Nine Eleven mix with those from more than thirty years ago in Vietnam.  
          I try not to dwell on the morbid side of death and destruction.    I try and fight the feeling that the Beast of Terror has me in his grips and is pulling me slowly into the quagmire.

          That's why I went to the VA.    My guts were twisted.  
          I simply wanted to avenge the Beast of Terror's wrath.    I still do.   But, I know that the Beast cannot be killed.    There is no victory on the horizon.   There is, at best, containment.  
          Each of the 6 billion people on this earth have some degree of the Beast in them.  It is part of human nature.   Equally, each of us has some degree of the Sentinel of Vigilance within.    The question is, which will dominate?   Beast or Sentinel?
          That's why I need Quiet Moments of Vigilance.   I need to sit back and take precious moments out of the war against Terrorism and just breathe deeply.   
          All of us need to do that when we feel our minds or bodies spinning out of control.    Our days can become pressure cookers, our nights full of nightmares.  We can never rest our souls unless we focus on them.

          I try to breathe through my soul.
          Sometimes, I feel it is so clogged, like the tiny screen in a water faucet that becomes laden with rust and dirt, that not much can get through.     It is like standing on the edge of the world looking at the sunrise through a blindfold--you know it's there you just can't see the reality.
           I've started to deep breathe.   
           I want to be in reality, whatever that is.
           The weight of the world, especially if its Terrorism, its Fear, Intimidation and Complacency, can starve me of life's great fuel--Hope.   I can breathe the pollution of Terrorism only so long before I need to come out of caverns burrowing through the bowels of the earth and cleanse my lungs and brain and soul with the Air of Vigilance.
           Today, I will go to the doctor's office and climb into the sewer of the past.   I understand I will be learning how to deal with the horror of it all, and that in the end, when the therapy is complete, I will know a new freedom and a new happiness.
           But that is then.  Now is now.

         I am afraid of looking at the past horrors from a personal point of view.   I can do it detached, as a writer, as an observer, as indiscriminate as the lens of a camera that has no human attachment to the ugliness of wanton destruction of human life.   But, when asked to drop my shields, to feel the personal pain so I might heal, I clam up.
          It is not easy to cry from the soul.    Many of us dam up that passage and pride ourselves in "self control."   The water eventually pollutes.   The dam, one day breaks.   
          Many people from Nine Eleven have yet to admit the impact of that day.   Many may not know that it still haunts them in ways they might not be able to articulate.

       That's why taking Vigilance Breaths might help.    If we all were to breathe in Vigilance and breathe out Terrorism, we'd be breathing in better soul air.   
         It can be as simple as:   Breathe in Courage--Breathe out Fear.   Breathe in Conviction--Breathe out Intimidation.    Breathe in Right Actions for future generations--Breathe out Complacency.
          Terrorism is about bottling up all the different degrees of Fear, Intimidation and Complacency that afflict us daily, weekly, monthly, annually.   If we physically removed its pollution, we can be freer to deal with it when it appears unexpectedly.
          Take a Breath of Vigilance.
          Exhale Terrorism.
         

Feb. 18--Dark Energy--The Beast of Terror's Cosmic Lair